Relationship issues

I have a major relationship crisis at the moment. On Monday I was cycling in the east of Copenhagen when I heard a loud clang below my feet. I tried to continue pedalling but my bike was having none of it. In a few seconds I was by the side of the road, my hands covered in oil, trying to figure out what had happened.

It appears buying a 20-year-old bike is not smartest thing to do. My gear cog on the back wheel had disintegrated, falling onto its axis and basically making the bike uncyclable (definitely a word).

So, yesterday I took the bike to my local bike shop. In Copenhagen bike shops are like pubs or newsagents: everyone’s got a local. Mine is just across the road from the flat, which is lovely. Anyway, I wheeled the poor wounded animal over to the shop and let the guys have a look at it.

"She used to be obedient."

I now realise what it must feel like when you take your car to the mechanic only for the guy to take a sharp intake of breath and basically inform you the thing is buggered. My bike was completely rodgered in that respect.

The verdict of ten minutes poking and prying: the cog would have to be replaced. Now, this is a problem with a bike almost as old as you are – no one produces parts for it anymore. I have five gears on the cog at the back; unfortunately five-gear cogs are unheard of in the modern age of ipads and sexually transmitted infections. The smallest available was a seven-gear cog.

‘That’s fine’, I said, ‘just whack it on’. Unfortunately when we messed around with it, it appeared seven cogs would be too big to fit between the wheel and the frame of the bike. The solution: change the wheel. I realised this was going to be a bit of a fiddle. I left the guys to it and went to the laundry. When I got back, we found out the chain wasn’t long enough, so I got a new one.

Anyway, 650 Danish Kroner later (apparently £81), and I got my bike back. And you know what: something’s changed.

It doesn’t purr anymore as I glide down the road, nor do the gears change freely. To make matters worse, there is an annoying clicking sound coming from somewhere below my arse. I can’t figure out where it’s coming from, but to me it sounds as if the bike just doesn’t want to move.

These suspicions have doubled since I realised that when changing gear the chain rattles like hell. All this noise is putting a serious strain on our relationship. I used to be able to pick the thing up and go for a spin, no problem. She used to be obedient. Now, I have to negotiate a high enough gear just to get off the starting blocks.

The problem is I can’t do anything about it. I’ve tried fiddling but there just isn’t any way of sorting this problem out. It’s like when your girlfriend comes back with a new haircut, and you realise you don’t like her as much as you thought you did. You suggest trimming the fringe or pining it back, but whatever you do it just isn’t the same anymore.

To make matters worse, imagine you’ve booked a two-week long holiday with your new freakish-looking girlfriend that you can’t get out of. I haven’t a clue how I’m going to manage cycling to Amsterdam in June with this horrible, whinging old hag between my legs.