Shower Skills

The most amazing thing has just happened in the shower. No, I have not found a third nipple or uncovered a way of washing my hair without leaving half a bee hive in the plug hole, instead, I have become witness to shower skills.

Now, you may be thinking ‘oh, shower skills? what is this absurd paradigm?’ Well, to put it simply, shower skills is something every bloke on this planet will try at least once. It’s the art of catching the soap on your foot as you drop it – ladies, I know what you’re thinking: ‘what the fu-?’

It may sound absolutely ridiculous, but the sense of achievement when you successfully ‘catch the soap’ (not a euphemism in the slightest) is one of utter euphoria.

Let me just explain the reasoning behind it. There’s nothing more annoying (well, there is a lot of things more annoying but it’s just an expression I suppose), than having a shower in a cubicle without a soap rack. Where do you put the shampoo and soap and that needlessly smelly Lynx stuff? The answer is sadly on the floor, which can lead to slippage from accidental stepping and serious bending activities.

I have a shower like this. By catching the soap on your foot, you have control of it until you need it again – it can’t run off anywhere – while there’s no need to bend over and risk pushing your arse against the cold side of the shower cubicle: always a shock.

Now we have delineated the reasoning behind such an activity, it would be useful to explain the method. Having lavishly soaped oneself, the drop to the foot is important. Adding extra velocity by throwing will not help your cause. You have to lightly drop vertically, above the foot. The foot itself must be raised, with the toes bent outwards to provide a soap-sized nest.

You are now ready to catch your soap – guys stay with me, this is as tedious as trying to explain the offside rule, I know. As the soap reaches the intended raised foot – and at this point I must stress not to raise both feet at the same time, by making sure you’ve selected the appropriate foot before commencing the operation – you should begin to lower the foot in relation to the soap (but ever so slightly slower). This provides a cushion for the dropping object. The result: the soap should nestle nicely in the newly configured indent of the foot about one inch from ground level.

I know this may sound easy, but it isn’t. It takes years of practice, and even then a full soap catch is very rare to come by. I’m writing this now because this is the first time I’ve managed it in over for weeks, and therefore comes as an event for me on a Monday without lectures, social life, or any vague sense of wellbeing whatsoever.