New Phone

Ah with new places and new friends comes a new mobile phone. This is my utterly stunning ‘Nokia e5d7something’ that I bought two days ago. As you can see it’s a pretty hunky piece of machinery. Sixteen and a half of its twenty buttons work to perfection, the colour screen offers a rainbow of… colour, and the sheer weight of it means you know when it’s in your pocket.

Because my current phone is an ignorant sod that doesn’t accept Danish sim cards, I was obliged to get this stunner in order to control my luxurious credit spending on cool ringtones, saucy pictures and late night chat lines.

I bought it from a run-down second hand shop. It looked quite good behind the definitely-not-secure security cabinet. The guy gave me the phone (well I say gave, he winched it up from the case with a heavy-duty crane and gently lowered it into my hands, to which I buckled under the weight but kept my footing) and rattled off a general spec. Colour screen, Bluetooth and a voice recorder that has a one-minute memory capacity. I knew I was looking at the dog’s bollocks.

What clinched the deal for me was that it had a camera. There’s something reassuring about having a camera in your pocket, just in case a fat woman gets scared by a pigeon and you’re on hand to shoot the after effects.

However, as you can see from this photo, there is no camera. What I thought was a lensed portal to the endless frivolity of the photographic world was actually a small hole, so you can thread a piece of string through the top of the phone.

I’ve just about recovered from the sheer disgruntlement of the situation. Below is the fact file for this majestic model, just in case you’re tempted yourselves:




The Nokia Brick

Colour: Faded silver, for that rustic look.

Weight: Heavy, the cheap man’s bludgeoning tool of the 21st century.

Size: Let’s face it girls, with this in my pocket, I’m pleased to see everyone.

Buttons: Chunky and certainly 3-dimensional, could poke an eye out.

Battery: Long life, but of course heats up to magma levels when on charge.

Infra Red: Probably, but will never be tried out.

Bluetooth: Lack of memory and camera means it is redundant.

Charger: Typical Nokia, will break in three months.